I still have days, actually moments throughout my days, that I can’t believe I am pregnant. I have been beyond blessed with a healthy, uncomplicated, easy pregnancy, and unless I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or feel the 100th karate kick to my ribs of the day, I forget that I’m even pregnant.
But then, this week, everything is starting to kind of come into focus. My baby shower is this Saturday, and gifts have started coming in from out of town family and guests who won’t be able to make it. Our bedding FINALLY came in last week, our car seat came in on Monday, Denny started painting the nursery, and I bought a cheap dresser on Craigslist that I plan on refurbishing myself. I have my diaper bag, and our families were beyond thoughtful over Christmas and spoiled this yet to be here baby with lots of sweet onesies, blankets, lovies, and toys. I mean, if this baby was born tomorrow, we’d be ok. My bag isn’t packed, and we don’t have diapers, but thankfully Wal-Mart is open 24 hours, in case of emergenciesJ.
The third trimester has brought with it an intense surge in hormones, it seems, as I have been quite emotional over the past few weeks. Mere thoughts, words, pictures, actions, you name it; bring a rush of emotion that starts in my gut, gets caught in my throat, and leaks from my eyes. I have these moments at least once a day, and some of them I bring upon myself. For instance, as I am pondering the reality and magnitude of what’s about to happen in approximately 7 ½ weeks (!!!) I feel anxious, panicky, impatient, excited, sad, glad…and I feel like I’m about to cry. It’s so silly, and yet, I know it’s not. I’m just having a really hard time wrapping my head around all of it. And for as emotional and irrational as I tend to be in my non-pregnant state, I find myself trying to reframe and rationalize this crazy, highly emotional way of thinking I’ve adopted as of late. That in itself sends me into shock every time I realize I am trying to be level-headed about this whole experience/process!
What’s my point? My point is that we’re getting close; like, really, REALLY close. And more and more I am at least starting down the road of embracing the fact that life will NEVER be the same. That scares me! The weight of the responsibility of raising a child is indescribable in my opinion. It is beyond scary, beyond overwhelming, beyond daunting. Being a mom is something I have longed for as long as I can remember, and something I didn’t realize you can never feel fully ready for. The thing is, I don’t feel ready at all! And change kinda’ freaks me out. So I’ve been wrestling a lot lately with this sense of “I wish this pregnancy would hurry up and be over because I can’t wait to meet my child,” and “I just want time to stand still” because I know there is no turning back. Scary stuff.
I’m kind of in a weird place right now of really starting to mourn the loss, or rather, the change, in identity. I think the process is going rather smoothly, even if it does come with some intense feelings. It’s hard to let go of life as it is and as it has been, and embrace life as it will be. And then, there are moments like last night, when we visited with our dear, dear friends who just had their first precious baby. As we were bombarding them with all sorts of questions about labor, delivery, first days of being first time parents, etc; they shared that it’s nearly impossible to remember what life used to be like before they had their newborn daughter.
And I was filled with courage and hope.
And I cried J.
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